I’ve been in China for nearly a month now. Actually, I’m not quite sure as I’ve lost count.
The past two weeks have been a grey haze. One being that I was ill, including spending a day at the hospital, and I had food poisoning before that…and the realization I’m finished. And, like I was warned, it’s just downright depressing.
Daily reminders to myself that “I can not go on forever”. I started planning around May 2009. That’s a lot of time dedicated to one endeavor. This has been my life, for the most part since then.
I’m also a bit bummed when I think of the Summer of 2012. I feel like I just didn’t ride that much. The Central Asian deserts and Civil Wars really put a damper on a lot of the dreams.
Last week my back was really acting up and could barely crawl out of bed. It’s pretty bad.
Currently I, and another solo female cyclist, are planning a Winter Expedition. It’s still in the “Top Secret” phase so if it does go off…I need to begin to recover. Frankly, there are worse places to hang out and photograph than Kashgar and Xinjiang.
So, I have this winter ride to keep my head straight along with my other ideas. Some of them require very little funds and time and others involve a lot of training, funds, and a support team. Of course cycling Africa is in the top 5. The other expeditions are without a bike, or some other mode of transportation.
Yeah, I’ve been a bit under the weather. That’s painting a pretty picture, I’ve been downright depressed. I try not to beat myself up about it, that just makes it worse. Trust me, I know. This is an emotional state I’ve battled against since I can remember. You can call my mom and ask her all about it.
Although, over the past 3 years, I’ve only found myself depressed twice. Once was being because I had take a break after this first stint and the second being a heartbreak.
The conclusion is, this emotional and mental states comes mostly from trying to live a life that is expected of me. Not having the freedom to do what I want to do and when. Basically, I get sad when I’m not being a “selfish” “bad-ass”.
There is one other reason I get depressed. It’s when I’m not making images, taking photographs. The other day I was spending time with my Uyghur contacts here and I felt great afterwards. Almost on top of the world. It blew those grey clouds away for the time being.
Maybe some of you are thinking, “Quit your crying…YOU are living the dream”. I’m stuck at my 9-5 job and all these responsibilities.” Granted.
There are plenty of things YOU have that I would love to have. Rather than crying yourself to sleep in a bunk bed with 7 Chinese people snoring…I bet you have a friend(s) you can call up and have a beer with – or just talk it out.
Maybe you get to sleep next a warm body that loves you every night.
You have deadlines, appointments, and places to go and people to see. A schedule. Wow…I would love a schedule right now. Something to tell me when to do what.
I’m just saying…don’t overlook all the wonderful things YOU have in your life that some of us don’t. Things that we (solo cyclists) would love to have.
YOU are more real than ME.
This is an image…a personality. Eleanor Moseman, the “Wander Cyclist”, is only a facet of the person that is sitting behind this computer pecking out her edited for public consumption thoughts, ideas, and feelings.
Even if this chick is an illusion, I hope you’ll continue to follow my future Adventures, and failures.
So, now what. Well, I’ll continue to work my way into this photo project. But in the meantime, I’m thinking of going for a bike ride somewhere for a couple of weeks. I can’t tell you where…seriously.
The End…?
Eleanor,
My best wishes for a speedy recovery. It happens sometimes, and as you know, it’s not forever. It may sound trite to say it, and I know you already know it, but I will say it anyway: things will change, you’ll feel better.
Many of us admire what you have done, your work, know the difficulty involved and are also aware of the loneliness of the road.
Best wishes,
Mark
Thanks Mark, I am aware that many of my fans commiserate with these feelings. Thanks again for following along and hope you’ll continue to do so.
Eleanor,
My best wishes for a speedy recovery. It happens sometimes, and as you know, it’s not forever. It may sound trite to say it, and I know you already know it, but I will say it anyway: things will change, you’ll feel better.
Many of us admire what you have done, your work, know the difficulty involved and are also aware of the loneliness of the road.
Best wishes,
Mark
Thanks Mark, I am aware that many of my fans commiserate with these feelings. Thanks again for following along and hope you’ll continue to do so.
Hi
It’s Matt – matt2matt2002
Thanks for your thoughts
So honest and down right real n dirty
I mean that in a good way
No B sh*t.
Wish I could extend a paw to help. But I am reading everything you post.And I am right there behind you.
Think of me as your shadow.
Be strong
Matt
haha…or STALKER!? No, just kidding…Thanks for all the support!
High Five,
E
Hi
It’s Matt – matt2matt2002
Thanks for your thoughts
So honest and down right real n dirty
I mean that in a good way
No B sh*t.
Wish I could extend a paw to help. But I am reading everything you post.And I am right there behind you.
Think of me as your shadow.
Be strong
Matt
haha…or STALKER!? No, just kidding…Thanks for all the support!
High Five,
E
Dear Eleanor,
I’ve been following your adventures for awhile now, way before I started on my own bicycle tour around the world. As a woman who has survived sexual abuse and who is literally sickened by the misogyny & sexist behavior we still allow to exist in our society, I was drawn to your strength and honesty, your drive and ambition and your desire to talk about and showcase via your photographs issues like women’s rights, education, abuse, etc.. So many times adventure blogs are about travel alone, individual struggle and they don’t go beyond the self. You DO talk about being a woman on the road, about the women you meet, and everything about your writing/photographs are more than you – in other words, I don’t see you as very selfish at all. I see you as a rare, shining, light among the many “adventurers” out there, someone willing to risk talking about subjects that should be talked about more often.
Reading this post I can relate in so many ways with your thoughts – the “public persona”, the lack of structure and absence of people/support, and the guilt complex over feeling depressed when we’re “living the dream”. Know that you’re not alone in these struggles. Perhaps someday, somewhere in our travels, we’ll run in to each other and will be able to talk it out over a beer. 😉
I’m sad that you’re sad about the end of your bicycle travels but I am hopeful that you will continue to live your passions, the way you want. And I’m super excited to see more of your photography over the coming years.
Wishing you good health and peace.
Sheila
p.s. I watched this video recently about depression and it really opened my eyes and made sense to me. You may find it worthwhile too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc
Dear Eleanor,
I’ve been following your adventures for awhile now, way before I started on my own bicycle tour around the world. As a woman who has survived sexual abuse and who is literally sickened by the misogyny & sexist behavior we still allow to exist in our society, I was drawn to your strength and honesty, your drive and ambition and your desire to talk about and showcase via your photographs issues like women’s rights, education, abuse, etc.. So many times adventure blogs are about travel alone, individual struggle and they don’t go beyond the self. You DO talk about being a woman on the road, about the women you meet, and everything about your writing/photographs are more than you – in other words, I don’t see you as very selfish at all. I see you as a rare, shining, light among the many “adventurers” out there, someone willing to risk talking about subjects that should be talked about more often.
Reading this post I can relate in so many ways with your thoughts – the “public persona”, the lack of structure and absence of people/support, and the guilt complex over feeling depressed when we’re “living the dream”. Know that you’re not alone in these struggles. Perhaps someday, somewhere in our travels, we’ll run in to each other and will be able to talk it out over a beer. 😉
I’m sad that you’re sad about the end of your bicycle travels but I am hopeful that you will continue to live your passions, the way you want. And I’m super excited to see more of your photography over the coming years.
Wishing you good health and peace.
Sheila
p.s. I watched this video recently about depression and it really opened my eyes and made sense to me. You may find it worthwhile too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc
What I have found comforting over the past summer, is I have met other solo travelers that struggle too. And these are men…and one even is a tough guy motorbike traveler.
There was something different that set me out on my own. And the other ones I meet across my path…well, we share a lot more than I would of ever imagined.
What I have found comforting over the past summer, is I have met other solo travelers that struggle too. And these are men…and one even is a tough guy motorbike traveler.
There was something different that set me out on my own. And the other ones I meet across my path…well, we share a lot more than I would of ever imagined.
I just realized the map doesn’t show the conclusion of Tajikistan. You’ll have to go to Page 2 via the Google Maps link to see it.
I just realized the map doesn’t show the conclusion of Tajikistan. You’ll have to go to Page 2 via the Google Maps link to see it.
you need to come to ground for some time girl. but yes, so nice.
I met a guy on a BWMW bike in Tehran in 78, fall, and I heard his lonliness; he said that as we all headed off as a group, he’d be heading off alone, but it’s his adventure I remember now.
Thanks for the video: “Irkeshtam Descent” especially the cows at 14:05, it’s all yours now
you need to come to ground for some time girl. but yes, so nice.
I met a guy on a BWMW bike in Tehran in 78, fall, and I heard his lonliness; he said that as we all headed off as a group, he’d be heading off alone, but it’s his adventure I remember now.
Thanks for the video: “Irkeshtam Descent” especially the cows at 14:05, it’s all yours now
Thank you for sharing honestly. I wish only more positive thoughts for you until your next bike trip or whatever direction you choose in life.
Thank you for sharing honestly. I wish only more positive thoughts for you until your next bike trip or whatever direction you choose in life.