I’m still just lil’ ol’ me.

65km East of Almaty, Kazakhstan

I was talking to one of my penpals today, Eddie. No, not the infamous Ed who used to leave comments here, by the way, where the hell did he go?

Anyways. Eddie and I have become pals via the interwebs. We both have been expats and cycled our lunatic selves around Asia, including Tibet.

So, yes, back to the story.

We are talking about something, I believe dealing with the opposite sex, and a fear of talking to guys. Eddie insinuates like I don’t have any problems and my ego is beyond healthy.

Brakes!

No, let me state it’s far from the truth.

Example. I went to a dinner party here in Almaty with my host. I had a half dozen people surrounding me, asking me questions, telling me how impressed they were. I could feel my face turning red, hot, and you should of seen my arm pit stains from sweating. Christ, I was so scared of dropping my wine glass from the wet hands.

So, as you can see…I still get terribly nervous when there is a lot of attention on me. Especially focused attention.

Example. I get bummed when people don’t return my emails. It’s my only contact with the real world. If you are one of people I write to…well, there is a reason I write to you. Maybe I admire you, or think you are cute, or just an all around awesome dude, or think you are fun to shoot the shit with.

I never started this tour to prove or show anything to anyone. It was strictly for me. For my career. For photography. To have people say some of the things they do, and the fan mail. Well, it’s amazing…it feels good…but at the end of the day…I am still just a small town American girl.

Insecurities. Hell, of course. And I get to face them head on everyday and think about them until I knock out in my sleep.

Wondering if my male counterpart exists. If anyone can love me, all my flaws and imperfections included. If I am love’able…maybe I’m too much of a risk for anyone to want to involve themselves with. Am I too difficult, as I was nicknamed “Princess Impossible” nearly 10 years ago. If I’m a good daughter, a good friend. Questioning my intelligence or things I should say or do instead. If I’m sane…or emotionally stable. Will I ever be financially stable? How my photographs compare to those I admire…will I ever be where I want to be in my career. Damn it, am I good enough?

Example. I get lonely.

Example. All I want right now is a hug. Not too much to ask for, right? And a hug NOT from some random Kazakh sex pest.

Example. I fall asleep at night worrying over my future.

My ego has gotten bigger in the sense that I know I can take care of myself. That I can get myself out of life threatening situations. I can solve problems quickly and efficiently. But, I do have the same issues, personally, as every single one of you.

Going to give a ride over the Assey Plateau…one more try. Goodnight.

Approximately 20,200km

I’ve cycled “half way around the world” and only visited 4 countries.

I don’t know if I’ll make 24,901.55 miles/40,075.16 kilometers. I surely could, if I didn’t stop for photography. But that’s not fun.

And, it’s the another birthday on the road.

I’m leaving Almaty to go play in the mountains of Southeastern Kazakhstan.

This will be my 3rd birthday on tour, in a row. I could say, my 3rd birthday “alone”…but I never feel that way anyhow. So yeah, maybe there will be a party awaiting me on the Assy Plateau.

See you in a week, and hope you all can catch up with some of the previous posts.

April 22 2012: Osh to Bishkek (Part iv)

Great thing I had a good view to start my day off, because I ripped my tent floor, about 3cm. Luckily, I have some special tape for tent/gear repair. I guess, traveling like this has really made me refrain my tantrums. When you try to conserve energy and no one is to hear you swear anyways…usually all I give out is an inside voice “damn it” followed by a big sigh maybe then followed by, “you’re such a sausage/idiot/dumbass” or some other self-deprecating insult.

It’s getting hot. I’ve descended from the mountains and nearing the reservoir. Nothing like melting in the sun, in a graveyard. But a pretty awesome graveyard.(I hate photographing in this bright light, ruins nearly everything.)

Today was fun. I had 2 boys on single speed bikes escort me up a mountain. They even waited for me when I was filling my fuel tank for cooking. They couldn’t have been more than 10 years old. It’s always fun to have some innocent kids making sure I’m safe. No communication, they just wanted to ride with me. This is the same hill/mountain that had a trailer from a truck, broken and shattered down the side. I bet that was fun for the driver! Speed kills, folks.

Bike is modeling in the direction I came from.

Camping on the lake. I had to set up away from the 2 rotting cows on the side of the hill. When I see fresh water like this, I always get a bit bummed not having a buddy around. I don’t know, it’s not the same hanging out in a lake/river alone.

April 21 2012: Osh to Bishkek (Part iii)

Morning camp:

I slept like a baby, on top of a fresh green bed of clover. It’s one of those bright mornings with the sun blaring down on me. Of course, the sunshine reminds me of waking up when I was touring with Brandon. Seeing his scraggly face peeking out of his tent wearing sunglasses. Yes…he was wearing his sunglasses in “bed”. That dude still cracks me up.

It’s going to be a warm day, but I’m well rested and fairly well fed.

Look, it’s the Kyrgyz and Uzbek border! Don’t cross over that dirt mound, you’d be breaking laws.

After this mind numbing stretch that borders Uzbekistan. I begin to ascend over some mountains towards the reservoir North of Kara-Kul.


This is proof to my brother that I’m not hanging out with “savages”. Christopher, they DO HAVE HOUSES here!

The sun is setting and it looks like a bit more up and up. It’s a winding mountain road…and the scenery is pretty pleasant.

I decide to stop and set up camp. I like to end a little early when I can to enjoy the scenery and have some thinking time.


April 20 2012: Osh to Bishkek (Part ii)

Morning at camp:

I make it over the beautiful pass, everything getting greener and greener.

What stands out on the side of the roads, are the amazing bus stops from the Soviet days.

I stop to buy some supplies and some Camca. The restaurant owner tells me to come in and I’m treated to tea. Before I know it, there are a half a dozen of Kyrgyz men sketching their questions out on paper for me. It’s an enjoyable time, nice to rest out of the sun, and have some local company.

Riding through a valley and then up into a beautiful green area of rolling hills. Scoping out camp, my first search is a failure so I watch, and wait, for 2 cars to leave that are on top a hill in a beautiful green meadow.

I’m really stoked on this camp site and push my bike up and over for about 2 km from the road. The bed of clover is so comfortable…so comfortable…I know it’s going to be one of the best spots of all tour.

April 19 2012: Osh to Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan (Part i)

I started off a little later than I had wished from Osh. Last minute preparations and saying goodbye to the boys.

There was a very strong urge in me to get back on the road, and solo. I have been told numerous times that a lot of folks get invited into homes along routes in Kyrgyzstan. Setting out, I wasn’t looking for that, but rather some prime camping and alone time. There is a freedom you have when your solo and camping. Don’t get me wrong, I interacted a lot with locals on this route…I just didn’t want to deal with the hassle that sometimes homestays have.

The first day, April 19th was a slow and hot day out of Osh. Of course I managed to get turned around exiting the city but finally found my way out and on my way to a little mini pass on the outskirts of the city.

I stopped in a little town for some early dinner Camca – they are the kiln fired buns with lamb inside. Ordering 4, they are larger than a fist and I’m hoping I can eat all of them.

An older man invites me over to share his tea. He begins to talk to me, and we go very slowly as I can’t speak Russian good enough. Continuing to pour my tea, I take notice of how he watches me. He seems harmless enough but there is still something unsettling about him.

He tells me he lives near by and he has kids. Asking where I will be staying for the evening, he invites me to his home. At least is what I take from the broken conversation. This would be a moment where I wished for a male friend. No women or children around him, I just feel uncomfortable with him and thank him for the tea and move on.

On the edge of this town, I will buy my only bottle of water for the next 8 days. Now, I probably wouldn’t recommend that someone “Fresh From the West”. There are a lot of wells, mountain runoff, and hoses that have fresh, cold water. If I’m ever in doubt, I’ll wait around to see if the locals are drinking it.

I don’t travel with a water filter, although I wish I did at times. I’ve found, at least for solo travelers, if the area has water the locals are more than willing to help you. Also, I use a technique of letting the water sit in the sun, through a clear bottle, and let the UV rays kill some of the junk. Along with boiling it if time allows or I’m really doubting it.

There are a couple of little mini passes on the way to the 2 major passes to Osh. I begin to climb the first little one towards sunset.

I think about camping on the hillside and I begin to watch the sunset. A shepherd comes over and begins to chat me up. He’s kind and I learn the Russian word for China by talking with him. He’s hanging around so I decide not to set up camp and to keep moving on and up.

The sun is setting quickly and I’m not going to make the pass so I get off the road and push past a garbage pit and up into the hills.

I can hear sheep and a few shepherds but don’t see anyone.

A man gets out of his car and comes up the hills to talk to the shepherds. He then comes over to me to make sure I have enough water. He leaves me be and I set up camp.

I’m never really fearful of shepherds, never had a problem with them. They are usually too busy tending to the herd to bother me.

Well, it’s silent for the next couple hours but then…then…this is what I’m kept up with ALL NIGHT!

I’m basically awake all night, between the “bahhh bahhh” and the gas release and the shepherds talking and waving their flashlights around. One shepherd is examining my bike as I’m peeking out and I shout, “HEY!”, trying to lower my voice and sound as firm as possible. It pops him away.

No sleep at all.

A tour theme.

Emotionally deranged in Bishkek last month, Nathan of www.cyclingtowardsthesun.com gave me an idea for a tour.

“Around the World in 80 Dates” – as in dates with dudes. Hell, who knows…maybe I should open the candidate pool for women too.

Promise…working on touring related postings. Promise.

Apologies

It recently came to my attention that maybe some of my anti-normal life inner monologues turned into blog posts may have offended people.

Firstly, apologies.
Secondly, I don’t think lesser of people that have a normal life. I’m actually quite envious. How can I not be envious of those that have found happiness…as I ride around on a bike, deprived of home comforts, searching for my bliss. I wish normalcy was for me…I wish I could find happiness in the idea of marriage, kids, a car, and a nice home.

Maybe some of you, readers, understand the inner turmoil I go through. Pedaling down lonesome roads, knowing that I could go home to a nice normal life. But, there is something about the idea…that stifles me. It’s just not for me, and I don’t diss on those that have it. There is a part of me that wants it…but there is a smidgen of me that doubts I’ll be who I want to be in that role.

So, if you left this blog with no intention of returning, I’m sorry. If I offended you with my internal rantings trying to convince myself and validate my abnormal behavior and choices, I’m sorry.

Thirdly, I’m sorry to the guy who’s heart I broke. The person I was dedicated to for 7 years. The person I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life.

There readers…you have it. The sad and depressed undertone in my blogs. It’s from losing love.

Every day for awhile now, I wake up a bit melancholy. I usually can ride it out, singing out loud…at the top of my lungs. Too often it’s songs that remind me of us. But when I’m held up in cities, taking care of Visas or whatever…I find myself falling into a dark, depressed hole. And it sucks.

I’m going for a ride tomorrow with an Australian that lives out here in Almaty. It will be nice and I’ll borrow one of his mountain bikes. I’m quite inexperienced in this type of riding, I’ve never ridden a bike with suspension. Should be…different…

Buh Bye Boys!

We celebrate our last day together, in Osh Kyrgyzstan, with ice cream! Until our next adventure together….

April 18th

Matt

Lucas

Yes, Team Windbraker Carrots were supposed to continue on into Uzbekistan for a few weeks. What happened? We walked into our host’s apartment in Osh. Louis and Karen’s apartment walls are covered in maps. They had a route from Tajikistan into Uzbekistan…it was literally 2 minutes and the route “clicked”. I am too close to the Pamirs to NOT GO. So…here I go…Kyrgyzstan -> Kazakhstan -> Uzbekistan -> Tajikistan (Pamir Highway) -> Kyrgyzstan -> China.

They were saddened to see me go, I was a little apprehensive to leave them behind but I’m saccustomed to being alone. Someone recently asked if it’s quicker for me to adapt to being with partners or alone. Honestly, I think I adapt quicker when solo. It’s just what I’m accustomed to…you know, ain’t nothing personal!

I did get short with them one day, as I was feeling very emotionally fragile. As a team of 3, 2 being family…it was 2 vs 1. Usually we can shoot the shit and pick on each other with no problems…but there were some days I was just kind of…”absent”/”fragile”/just not all together. I need the days of solo to figure stuff out.

Don’t worry, they cared for me well after I let them know I was very fragile.

I would love to hear from you!