65km East of Almaty, Kazakhstan
I was talking to one of my penpals today, Eddie. No, not the infamous Ed who used to leave comments here, by the way, where the hell did he go?
Anyways. Eddie and I have become pals via the interwebs. We both have been expats and cycled our lunatic selves around Asia, including Tibet.
So, yes, back to the story.
We are talking about something, I believe dealing with the opposite sex, and a fear of talking to guys. Eddie insinuates like I don’t have any problems and my ego is beyond healthy.
Brakes!
No, let me state it’s far from the truth.
Example. I went to a dinner party here in Almaty with my host. I had a half dozen people surrounding me, asking me questions, telling me how impressed they were. I could feel my face turning red, hot, and you should of seen my arm pit stains from sweating. Christ, I was so scared of dropping my wine glass from the wet hands.
So, as you can see…I still get terribly nervous when there is a lot of attention on me. Especially focused attention.
Example. I get bummed when people don’t return my emails. It’s my only contact with the real world. If you are one of people I write to…well, there is a reason I write to you. Maybe I admire you, or think you are cute, or just an all around awesome dude, or think you are fun to shoot the shit with.
I never started this tour to prove or show anything to anyone. It was strictly for me. For my career. For photography. To have people say some of the things they do, and the fan mail. Well, it’s amazing…it feels good…but at the end of the day…I am still just a small town American girl.
Insecurities. Hell, of course. And I get to face them head on everyday and think about them until I knock out in my sleep.
Wondering if my male counterpart exists. If anyone can love me, all my flaws and imperfections included. If I am love’able…maybe I’m too much of a risk for anyone to want to involve themselves with. Am I too difficult, as I was nicknamed “Princess Impossible” nearly 10 years ago. If I’m a good daughter, a good friend. Questioning my intelligence or things I should say or do instead. If I’m sane…or emotionally stable. Will I ever be financially stable? How my photographs compare to those I admire…will I ever be where I want to be in my career. Damn it, am I good enough?
Example. I get lonely.
Example. All I want right now is a hug. Not too much to ask for, right? And a hug NOT from some random Kazakh sex pest.
Example. I fall asleep at night worrying over my future.
My ego has gotten bigger in the sense that I know I can take care of myself. That I can get myself out of life threatening situations. I can solve problems quickly and efficiently. But, I do have the same issues, personally, as every single one of you.
Going to give a ride over the Assey Plateau…one more try. Goodnight.
And please, by all means…don’t think this is a boo hoo post. I know I’m very VERY fortunate to be living the dream. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m thankful to be here, doing what I’m doing. How fortunate I am. How all the blood, sweat, and tears are beginning to culminate into something more.
And even more, how thankful I am for all the friends, old and new…and all the love and support.
And please, by all means…don’t think this is a boo hoo post. I know I’m very VERY fortunate to be living the dream. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m thankful to be here, doing what I’m doing. How fortunate I am. How all the blood, sweat, and tears are beginning to culminate into something more.
And even more, how thankful I am for all the friends, old and new…and all the love and support.
I wish I could remember where I learned about your blog, but I can’t. But I’m glad I found it and have the chance to follow your ride and read about the amazing places you’re going, and the things you choose to share! Of course, you have my admiration for your cycling abilities and your spirit, but also for writing about what you see and feel—especially after long days on the roads. So…thank you! Your blog has become a regular part of my week.
Stay safe, enjoy the people you meet, and keep sharing!
I wish I could remember where I learned about your blog, but I can’t. But I’m glad I found it and have the chance to follow your ride and read about the amazing places you’re going, and the things you choose to share! Of course, you have my admiration for your cycling abilities and your spirit, but also for writing about what you see and feel—especially after long days on the roads. So…thank you! Your blog has become a regular part of my week.
Stay safe, enjoy the people you meet, and keep sharing!
Thanks Frank,
I’m interested in checking out your site, when it’s not blocked.
There has been a lot of down time because I’m taking care of 3 Visas in one country. So, although I’m not riding a lot, I think it’s important to share what’s going on in the meantime.
I’ve already planned on keeping this going after this major tour.
Thank you for being a loyal reader, and everyone else.
Thanks Frank,
I’m interested in checking out your site, when it’s not blocked.
There has been a lot of down time because I’m taking care of 3 Visas in one country. So, although I’m not riding a lot, I think it’s important to share what’s going on in the meantime.
I’ve already planned on keeping this going after this major tour.
Thank you for being a loyal reader, and everyone else.
Hi Eleanor,
I really understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been shy since the beginning,which is just the fear of social situations but most of us are introverts. It’s a good thing,social situations are find, but we also enjoy our alone time, and that time really makes us better people.And challenging ourselves always helps but we are who we are and that’s fine. Life does get lonely at times and just a long hug from some who cares really feels so good, not the sex. I enjoy following you, you’re real. Thanks Jeff
Hi Eleanor,
I really understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been shy since the beginning,which is just the fear of social situations but most of us are introverts. It’s a good thing,social situations are find, but we also enjoy our alone time, and that time really makes us better people.And challenging ourselves always helps but we are who we are and that’s fine. Life does get lonely at times and just a long hug from some who cares really feels so good, not the sex. I enjoy following you, you’re real. Thanks Jeff
Barry, a fellow traveler, told me about your adventures and website . . you are amazing!
For me, self doubt creeps in when I let myself wonder how I might stack up to someone (everyone) else. . . doesn’t really matter, we’re all the same, we’re all different. What does matter is how we challenge ourselves and how we grow, how we share, how we love.
Be true to yourself, travel long, live well,
Marc
Barry, a fellow traveler, told me about your adventures and website . . you are amazing!
For me, self doubt creeps in when I let myself wonder how I might stack up to someone (everyone) else. . . doesn’t really matter, we’re all the same, we’re all different. What does matter is how we challenge ourselves and how we grow, how we share, how we love.
Be true to yourself, travel long, live well,
Marc